Escalators!. . .are seriously cool!. . .
I have just been down two massive escalators.
As I was going down I remembered a mate of mine telling me, how he used to slide down the side railings and how the security used to give chase!. . . Yes, I have some very crazy mates!. . .
I looked around to see if anyone was following me, because I had contemplated turning around midway and seeing if I could run back up to the top. . .then I remembered my age and physical condition. . .and just enjoyed the remaining ride. . .
I’m now sat on a train were deep inside the earth at the mercy of the driver!. . .I just pray that he’s focused and realises that he is carrying precious cargo!. . .
Precious cargo!. . .
Years ago, I wouldn’t have classed myself as precious cargo!. . .’not at all!’.
Back then life was pure misery, I know what your thinking “I knew you then!” “& your life wasn’t misery!”. . .”explain yourself!, your not making sense!”. . .
Ok, since you asked!, I will, we have time, the trains quietly meandering along its pre-destined route so let’s un pack this ‘misery’ that I have mentioned. . .
Let’s go back in time. . .
. . .’visualise!’. . .
I’m in my early twenties, I am a strapping good looking youth, I’m just living life, working hard, playing harder.
I grind faces into the mud every Saturday morning playing rugby, then I grind mud into my own face most Saturday nights as I crawl my way home after a heavy night out. . .
I’m the soul of the party, you need a laugh!, see me!. . .you want to hear a joke!. . .see me!. . .I’ll make you laugh. . .
. . .”erm” where’s the misery?”. . .”it sounds like your life was a right scream back in the ‘olden’ days!”. . “what’s the to-do!”. . .
That’s just it!, on the surface what I’m telling you seems ‘normal’ all appears as it should be for that time in my life!, but it wasn’t.
For all the years leading up to then, the hurtful things others had said and done or hadn’t done, had left their invisible marks.
The train is now rolling smoothly along the tracks, but even though I can’t see, I know there is a shed load of rubbish below each stage of this trains journey. I know because before I boarded I saw the bottles and rubbish that people had carelessly thrown away, without a thought to the consequences.
And thats how my life was.
Below the humour, behind the laughing, behind the ‘Party Boy’ was ‘damaged property!’. .
You see, for every Harsh word spoken against me, for every seemingly harmless line of ridicule, or cruel jibe, the flesh of my mind had absorbed the blow.
Like an arrow from the archer, my grey matter had sealed around the arrow head of every ‘let down’ every act of rejection, and every failed adventure, where it had then quietly festered.
You know how it is!, someone hurts you, you mask the pain, keep it hidden, you create a new identity, an image that is just for the world to see. . .
The true ‘you’ is kept hidden, ‘misery’ becomes your internal identity.
I used to believe that to show it would mean you were weak. To reveal to others your life’s struggles and hang ups would mean your a failure. . .
I now understand that that’s a lie. . .
So!, to fit in I wedged a mask firmly in place, where nobody could see ‘me’. . .the man of ‘misery’. . .
Then, each day after I had played my best circus acts for whichever crowd came along, I would return home, close the door, remove the mask. . .& ask the same questions that I asked myself day in day out!, year in year out!. . .
“what am I doing here!”. . .
“there’s got to be more to life than this!”. . .
“what’s the point!. . .no one cares!”. . .
“I might as well not live!”. . .
The train has now stopped grunting!, I have reached my chosen destination I’m feeling good right now, I haven’t a care in the world, I’m off to see a mate of mine he’s working in a posh gaff, so I’m treating myself to some ‘posh’ fodder.
Im now able to see the world through a different lens, the internal ‘misery’ blinkered view is now a distant memory. . .
But back then, the misery that engulfed me was very real. suicidal thoughts, depression. . .out bursts of anger for no apparent reason. . .that continual desire to ‘just get away from it all, was no laughing matter, but the ‘laughing man’ is exactly the impression I presented to the world. . .
You have heard it said, “laugh & the whole world laughs with you”. . .”cry!”. . .& the world will tell you to “get a grip!”. . .
I wonder who came up with the saying, ‘time is a great healer!’. . .I have no idea!. . .
But I do know of a healer who took away my suicidal thoughts, my depression. . .my out bursts of anger my insecurities, my pointless living & my internal hopelessness . . .
I know HE, didn’t ask me for a prescription fee, HE didn’t ask me to complete a training program on anger management, HE didn’t ask me for a monthly donation, or make me feel guilty for my past mistakes. . .
‘No!’. . .he simply asked:. . .
“Are you tired of this ‘misery!”. . .
I said yes. . .
HE simply said “follow me” . . .”& I will set you free”. . .
“Free at last. . .Free at last. . .I thank GOD Almighty I am free at last”. . .